Wednesday, April 11, 2007

put this blog on your blogroll and 10 people will have sex with you in the next hour

I was thinking a little bit about the old chain email culture that was so pervasive before the rise of blogs, and that seems to enjoy continued patronage from conservatives but, as far as I can tell, is a dying trend among liberals. During the course of the 2004 election, I stopped receiving chain emails from my conservative friends, probably because my replies grew increasingly exasperated and condescending. I think the last 5 replies were a simply a link and a single word-- "Seriously" (Gimme a break, we were all a little frazzled at the end of that rollercoaster). And maybe it's just my friends, but in my lifetime on the internets I've probably received a number of liberal chain emails I can count on 2 hands. I've also noticed that chain emails are perhaps the single most reliably false source of information in existence, and in my head I want to tie those 2 facts together, but I know that's probably a fallacious connection. Still, it would've been nice if I'd gotten more like this back in the day:

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance -- now Joe gets it, too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath.

The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries & government from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker's compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.

Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."


Anonymous said...

I love the chain mails that state if you don't send the message to ten people something bad might happen to you. "A man in Portland wouldn't send this letter on and it was found in his coat pocket after he was hit by a bus." So, I believe the chain mail raises an ethical question, "Shouldn't I be the one to get hit by the bus and spare my lazy friends this horrible fate?" Food for thought.

Spouse of Grimsaburger

grimsaburger said...

I always thought spouse would take a bus hit for me. Now all I have to do is send him that chain letter to see if he really follows through.

The only chain mail forwards I get are from my aunt who never sends me anything but those, and they're the ones with prayers that you're supposed to send back to the sender or else you don't really love them, and you wish them ill. The coercive nature of it all gives me the willies.
I used to pull out the response for a bunch of crap Mom would send from time to time. That site is a Godsend.